An Open Letter To My Grieving Husband

Dear Husband,

I know no matter how old you get you will always miss your Dad. I see that longing in your eyes on more occasions than I can count when a song comes on that makes you miss him. When your kids do something you wish he could see. When you accomplish something in life that you hope he is proud of.

As your wife, it's painful to see you go through this hurt. I wish I could take that hurt away. When you tell me a story about your dad for the millionth time I smile and laugh because I know that's the way you heal. Who am I to darken that memory of a time you hold so dear by saying I have already heard that story?

When you think about the bond you have with your oldest son, I know it's bittersweet for you. When you see your youngest son, who has your father's name, I know it makes you proud and sad at the same time. Proud to call him by that name but sad to know his grandfather can't boast about it either. When you see your daughter, who has you wrapped around her finger, and get sad knowing that your Dad isn't here to get wrapped up in all of her sweetness too. I see the pain in your eyes when you think I'm not looking.

So I would like to tell you it's okay to grieve as long as you need to. It's okay to grieve a lifetime for him. To feel that hurt. To have that want to see him again. It's okay to talk about him as much as you want. Tell those stories of your dad a million times over. Tell them so his grandchildren will know him in some small way. So I can see why you are the man you are today because of that man.

On behalf of your dad I would like to say you are doing it right. You are a great family man who gives all he can and never asks for anything in return. You are teaching your children how to be good people. To be proud of their family name. You are someone to be proud of and I know he would be proud to stand next to you and say "That's my boy."

The Scent Of A Memory

 I have always been a sentimental person. I love seeing an old picture and remembering back on my past. Hearing a relatives laugh, for instance, can bring back so many laughable moments with them at holiday parties and family get togethers. A lot of things can trigger a memory but it's the scent that gets me the most. It's like an old friend has magically appeared to tell a story of another place and time. Every time I smell flowers I think of visiting my great grandmother in the nursing home or holding tight to a young James in his tux at prom. Walking through the baby aisle at the store filled with plastic bottles and baby lotion reminds me of the time I became a mother. The sweet smell of my newborn daughter was intoxicating and I would catch myself smelling her sweet smelling head more times than I could count.

My sweet Gracie Ann.

 This week I had an ache in my heart for my wonderful grandmother we lovingly refer to as "Mawmaw". The smell of bacon and cabbage cooking in my home brought it on. I thought to myself "LaShae, you do this a lot." So I started to think back on more things, more scents. James recently bought a new cologne that makes me think of the younger James that I dated. The smell of a cold crisp morning with a little hint of ice reminds me of all our adventures in Alaska. My new woodsy candle reminds me of our times in the Carolina Pines.

My sweet Mawmaw with her great grandchildren.

We sent a box of Korean goodies to my family in Alabama for Christmas. One of the goodies was a pack of fish sausages. I made sure to tell them all that this was the "scent of Korea". A scent we smell daily because of the Korean love for fish markets and laying out trash everywhere.  It's amazing to me that so many different scents have an impact on my life. From scents that bring up memories of the past to scents we live with everyday that one day will become a trigger to a memory.

I could go on and on about the scents of my life. How the smell of a perm and hairspray remind me of my Momma or walking into a home that smells of cigarettes reminds me of my Great Aunt Verline and family reunions. I know this all would bore you because you have no deep connection with it all. Yet, I would love to hear of your "scent" memories. I find it fascinating to hear other peoples stories. Are your memories triggered more by sight or sound? Or are you like this sentimental gal who bases her memories around smells?

My mother and her perfectly curled hair.